Cleaning Out The Scars of Your Past: A Story of Healing Dedicated to Suicide Awareness Month•
Posted on September 20 2020
Edited by: Julia Giordano
**This content contains descriptions of suicide that may be triggering to some audiences - Please use discretion**
In recognition of September being Suicide Awareness Month, I wanted to share a story of my own, one that I experienced within my journey. Though this story is from a very dark period of time in my life, talking about it brings me strength because it represents the fact that it is something I’ve overcome. For anyone who is struggling, or has struggled with mental health, I hope that if nothing else, reading this is a sign to tell you that you matter, you are loved, you are heard, and there is absolutely no shame in asking for help.
Growing up, I really had no one. My home was filled with lots of drugs and alcohol. My definition of “family” was mental and physical abuse. After starting Kindergarten, my father, who was separated from my mother at the time, came to our house one day, shot her five times and then committed suicide.
Although my mother survived, when it came to being a mother she basically could care less. Somewhere in my younger teens, I knew I was very depressed. Living that lifestyle day in and day out. Not fitting in at school because I was different and poor, they could tell by my clothes. I needed someone. My mother would take me to counseling but if I ever really talked, I was forbidden to go back. There was no outlet, I had no one. Nobody was hearing me.
One night, I decided that I didn’t want to live anymore, I didn’t want to live in that house. So, I just started taking pills.
I remember going to a hospital for a week or two and then coming home and really withdrawing within myself. It was a very dark dark period of my life. I hadn’t learned how to deal with my father’s suicide or my mother’s assault or my own abuse - I just knew the events of my life as things that should not be talked about. ‘Hush, hush under the rug.’
I guess you could say I was angry - all that hurt turned into anger and I carried that with me for a long time -it probably wasn’t until my twenties that I started to cope with things. Most people tell themselves, ‘when I graduate from high school, I’m going to go to college,’ I told myself, ‘I just want to survive and live long enough to graduate, so I can get the hell out of this house!’
My process towards healing didn’t come overnight. It was a piece here and a piece there. When I really started my journey, I was scared - but I knew that I needed help and that I couldn’t continue to live the way that I was living. I started seeing a Psychiatrist in my twenties and attending therapy regularly but it wasn’t even until my thirties that I finally really started the healing that I needed.
Healing your past’s trauma is like healing a nasty cut that was left untreated. Eventually a cut will scab over, but there’s still all that yuckiness layered under the skin that hurts when you touch it. My journey has taught me that you have to cut a scar open and clean it out. It may feel like going back in time and reliving what’s been hidden away in your mind, but doing just that is what allows you to come to terms with it, heal it, and then let it go. I know that it’s hard, but it’s so worth it when you get to the other side - where the layers no longer control you.
After finding the right balance of therapy and medication, I began to learn the tools that I would need to manage any bouts of anxiety and depression that may have come my way. The greatest feeling was when I was sitting with my counselor and I said “I’ve got nothing to say.”
Healing will always be ongoing. Even today I am still in my healing process, it will always be a part of my journey. My journey also includes finding moments of self-care where I can focus and bring myself to a meditative state. My passion for Reiki has proven to be especially healing. I love receiving and practicing Reiki because it touches on all areas that need healing.
When I am practicing Reiki, I can sense things and as I work on someone, I pray to open their chakras and allow healing to go right through. I can feel when someone’s going through something challenging and when there is a lot of forgiveness needed. There are times that people have come off my table in tears - telling me their relief of exactly what I worked on. Let this be your sign to feel that relief and consider prioritizing time to bring yourself to a meditative state - one that is focused on healing.
As someone who knows how hard it can be to begin your journey towards healing, above anything else, I want you to know that you are worth it - you are loved - you deserve to love yourself - it’s okay to reach out to someone if you need help. It’s okay to go through a dark period as long as you come out of it. You have to fight - there always is light at the end of the tunnel.
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